20. Misconceptions on What Makes Someone Weird, Strange, or Truly Different

.               In people’s often tragically comical quests to fit in and develop their identities, many clumsy and ill-conceived stratagems are employed.   One that I find particularly repulsive and obnoxious is when someone desperately tries to stand out as an original, or rather the act of falsifying their personality as “cool” or “deep” when really they’re just hiding insecurities. 

This is what I see when someone tries to be “cool.”

Watching people as they do this is rather like seeing a snake fellating its own tail; it is gross, counterproductive, and makes the actor feel good at the cost of their personal dignity.  The “weird, strange, or truly different” that I’m referring to is also often confused with counterculture (or as I call them, the people who don’t conform in the exact same way).  The difference is that counterculture is deliberately trying to be at odds with social norms; and thus, is just another accepted extension of conformity (such as with whiny, predictable teenage rebellion).  Truly weird people aren’t against norms just to prove themselves or show off, but because they really are different— as in they THINK differently and for their own reasons. 

At what point did counterculture collide with unstylish nerdiness?

I’m also certainly not talking about people who deviate from the norm due to mental problems; that is a whole different arena.  Now, I am not going to fully define what exactly a weird/different/strange person is like because by definition there’s not just one variety.  However, I would like to discuss at some length many of the overused methods that don’t inherently make people weird/strange/different.

                I believe the common misconceptions on how to be an individual begins with people attempting to build a false identity based upon the shallow trappings of others who came before them (as in music, clothing, style, lingo).  Sometimes, people blindly oppose anything created by the previous generation (also dumb and unfairly limiting), but more often than that, they emulate or steal ideas.  In particular, I’m thinking of how attracted and envious many are towards “rebellious” characteristics.  It seems like at least half of everyone goes through a phase where they want to be a rock star, a celebrity, or some sort of figure that they see as “badass” or a true “rebel.” 

His model looks weren’t enough; now he’s also hardcore!!

These idols are taken as beyond scrutiny or reproach and thus emulating how they look, think, act, and dress is the quick and safe method of projecting a personality, regardless of if it’s true (or worth a damn in the first place).  These fakers are the sorts who fancy themselves different, and you might even hear them boast such ridiculous sentiments as “Well, I’m not like most people” or “I hang out with the weird kids.”  Even those who aren’t emulating an idol when they brandish something outlandish upon their person are usually doing it more to impress others and hide insecurities than for their own reasons.  How many of these people would still dress/act/pretend to be so unusual if they were all alone or in a place where no one was judging them? 

She’s sooo unique and full of personality!

Short answer:  Most wouldn’t.  Anyhow, within these groups of supposed “weird kids” or “rebels” there’s usually a lot of talk about the people they call “poseurs.”  Poseurs are supposed to be the ones who are just faking being weird/strange/different.  In my experience, those who go on about “poseurs” all the time tend to be that very thing, as they try to act out their genre’s rebellion fantasies whilst putting others down (often for having opinions outside what their particular group allows).  The whole situation is unendingly mockable because you end up with a group of people who claim to be weird, strange, and different, but that crucify each other anytime they act outside of what they’re supposed to be into.  Do you realize how backwards that is and how it breaks my brain (mostly with laughter) to see it all around and so prevalent?!  These are the accepted “cool kids” of nearly every city or town in the country and they thoroughly blow in a ludicrous, re-lick-u-dick-u-lous way!  So how can people not see through this, and how do a bunch of fakers obsessed with their “poseur” witch hunts end up on top?  Simple— there are far more of them than there are people who are genuine. 

Idols are mostly lies. For instance, the guy on the left is the singer for Metallica.

Thus, partly due to my rational hatred of genre zombies who think they’re the “weird kids,” the term “poseur” leaves the dank taste of hypocrisy in my mouth, so I have developed my own word to describe those merely pretending to be weird/strange/different— I call them dabblers.   Dabblers are people who fancy themselves weird/strange/different, but they’re just doing it for the now and will ultimately end up on the shores of normalcy after their stereotypical voyage through the seas of rebellion end.  In my opinion, nearly everyone involved in counterculture is a dabbler (90+%).  Although talk of “poseurs” within cliques has gone on since the dawn of time, few people go further and consider what a true “rebel” or weird/strange/different person would actually be like.  First, let’s start with what doesn’t make somebody one.

                Below is a short pictoral list of things that are commonly misconstrued as making someone weird, strange, or different:   

Having tattoos

Piercings and gauges

Trying to look tough or “edgy”

Dyed hair

Being into kinky sex

Offbeat humor

Obsession with a style of music

Obsessions over any stupid thing

Taking some sort of sick pride in a personal problem or phobia

Being into drug culture

.             There are many other things that are incorrectly connected with being weird, strange, or different, but I just wanted to list some of the big ones to get everyone on my train of thought (putting out the whole list would be exhaustive and I would inevitably miss some; not to mention that new ones that I cannot foresee will eventually arise).  Recently, I had the pleasure of witnessing one of my influences (John Waters) live and on stage.  

Yes, not having any tattoos weirds this guy out.

In his act, he muses about what rarities would be included in a modern-day freak show, one of which he said would be a man without any tattoos.  I thought this comment was both witty and insightful, as it shows how something that was once rare and unheard of has now become “mainstream.” These days, tattoos are a safe, mundane badge of weird that everyone seems to have.  So if getting a tattoo or displaying one of the other all-too-common accepted signs of “weirdness” doesn’t make someone weird, what does it make them?  Likely, it makes them a conformist, just of the counterculture variety (at least in that one action).  Having these outward signs of “weirdness” merely allows people to further group up with like-minded dabblers so they can show off to one another whilst attempting to legitimize themselves by discussing who amongst them isn’t really into it enough. 

Once “rebels,” now in a matching sweater pic.

Given time, most of these people will eventually dye their hair back to normal, cover up the tattoos, take out the piercings, get normal jobs, and slowly turn into the very parents who made them want to (safely) rebel in the first place.  And what about the ones who don’t change?  The ones who stay “weird” even when they grow older?  Well, I’d like to point out that eventually they’re no longer admired by their old friends who have normalized.  Really, they become freaks to their past peers and viewed as immature or insane.  And there is the rub— you see, not everyone who is part of a genre or that has body piercings or dyes their hair is a dabbler.  Some of these people truly are weird, strange, or different, but they get lost amongst the dabblers and tricked into believing them too. 

I bet the people he got those tattoos with now think he’s totally insane for continuing to be weird.

That’s why these misconceptions of what makes people weird, strange, or different shouldn’t still exist— it robs everyone of the chance to truly know who is different and might actually have some new thoughts, ideas, or ways to live well.  These are the people who would have done the “weird” thing in any past time period because ultimately they were really just doing what they wanted to do outside of societal pressures.  They’re the ones who would have gotten tattoos back in the 1920’s (not counting sailors), dyed their hair purple in the 50’s, or secretly pierced their ball sack back in the 1800’s (ok, that may just be an example of stupidity in any time).  Still, even in the previous examples of people in past times doing things that weren’t considered “normal,” the acts are not what makes them weird—it is that they are thinking for themselves.  Plenty of truly weird/strange/different people have lived in every time period, and there is no way to find the majority of them by merely studying their outside appearances.  Regardless, I propose that someone is not weird/strange/different just by comparing themself to the dominant section of society.  Truly strange people stand out from everyone, even those who may be perceived as outwardly being similar, because they think for themselves.  In my opinion, there is no other unifying feature that truly weird, strange, or different people possess.  Furthermore, they also don’t have to necessarily think rationally (though this in itself, if done often, is quite rare); as previously stated, they just have to think independently.

                To me, the least weird thing is conformity of any sort, even if it is to some counterculture sub-genre (of course, the wackiest of which has to be Juggalos). 

Oh, Juggalos…

Also, there’s no one activity the “weird” kids do, such as skipping class to do drugs or dressing up and acting out the Rocky Horror Picture Show.  Perhaps the weird kids did largely once do one particular thing, but eventually it becomes just a rite of passage that merely says “I want to be construed as different.”  These things change and evolve, to avoid being easily copied by all the dabblers of the world and also because the real weird people think differently, even from one another.  I also find that most people never think about the fact that even their parents probably rebelled in some now-apparent and lame way back when they were young (hippies and beatniks for instance). 

These people are now somebody’s uptight parents.

Of course, this is seldom brought up because they’ve changed and are now rightly embarrassed of how they once pretended to be something more special than they really were (insecure, irrational, and overly-emotional children).  In my opinion, the main thing to realize is this:  Conformity and false signs of weirdness occur within pretty much everyone.  No one is born instantly wise and in complete control.  Almost everyone makes stupid decisions as they begin to understand themselves, so don’t be afraid to later admit it to yourself and get over it.  I have known people who have taken forever to understand this and in the meantime they decked themselves out with signs of “weirdness,” wasting time, money, and non-disfigured parts of their body before finally hiding it all and turning as normal as they were always going to be. 

Star-Burns from the TV show Community is my favorite example of making fun of people who falsely try to be weird and interesting. Every season they would add a new lame gimmick to his visual repertoire.

Even worse, I have seen those who have been engulfed by their bad decisions (such as hanging out with the kids enamored with drug culture) and by the time they wanted to change they no longer had the will to do it.  I have quested for nearly the better part of my life to meet truly different people and I have to say that most of the strangest I’ve met don’t look outwardly bizarre and cannot be mentally judged just by taking a cursory glance.  That’s because weirdness is inside; not grossly fashioned by the numbers upon a person’s body or displayed in their unimportant opinions/tastes.  It’s the fact that someone really thinks for themself that sets them apart and makes them strange in this effed up, nearly unintelligible, begging-to-be-put-out-of-its-misery-world.  Lastly, I’d like to state that if I can look at how someone dresses and pretty much sum up how they think, what they like, and what they’re into, they almost certainly suck big ones— and I ain’t talkin’ lollypops (unless they’re unwashed testicle flavored). 

END

19. Weekend Drivers

                I accelerate down a wide, freshly paved, twisting road; the window is down, music is playing, and I’m taking the curves with one hand on the wheel.  I am calm, relaxed, and in control.  Truly I have had some good times behind the wheel of a car.  So why is it that if someone were to ask me if I liked driving, I would respond “no” with a slight tinge of revulsion?  Simple.  I would otherwise quite enjoy driving if not for one terribly annoying thing:  other f***ing drivers.  Being a person of thought, reason, and with a sensitive bullshite meter, I have naturally had post-apocalyptic fantasies of most of the world dying (leaving only myself and sometimes a few others) since I was a child.  Shortly after getting my license, I added to these musings a part where I’d clear out stretches of highway and drive 130 mph while reveling in the notion that the one X-factor that could screw this up for me was finally gone.  Other f***ing drivers would be nowhere around, so I was finally safe to drive the way I wanted without having to worry about them.  Now I know that everyone from your hi-larious friends to just about all stand-up comedians have had their rants about the vomitous way people drive (which I will partake in a bit as well), but I have a much more specific phenomena that I would like to relate which I think most people have experienced, but few have discussed.  I call this occurrence weekend drivers. 

You just know if you’re behind one of these cars they’re going to be driving like a**holes…

These are the souped-up, ego and vanity stroking monstrosities that take to the road every Friday and Saturday evening, but have once again vanished come Monday morning.  Worse than these canary yellow Mustangs, douchey two-tone convertibles with vanity plates, and black and chrome blinging Escalades are the people who inhabit the vehicles.  These are the sorts who drive like they’re drunk, yet they’re on the way to the bar.  Let me paint a picture and I bet you’ll see what I mean.  It’s a Friday night, but you don’t have any particular plans.  You just want a quiet evening and you’re driving somewhere you would normally drive any other day of the week.  On this familiar excursion, you are suddenly and illegally passed by someone in a brightly painted (insert tacky color) Corvette doing 30 mph over the limit.  They get in front of you and then immediately slow down to make a turn, thus making you screech to a complete stop.  Shortly after, while waiting at a traffic light, a Hummer pulls up and is blasting bass so loud you can’t hear your own music even with the windows up.  Due to all the noise, you sneak a glance over and the people in the Hummer are all staring at you, checking you out and speaking back and forth with condescending looks on their faces.  Each of them is dressed up and decked out like they’re going to a club in a movie because you know no such actual “cool” club exists in your town.  Next, while you’re on a four lane highway, you constantly have to watch the neon blue Civic with the two-tier spoiler that keeps slowing drifting into your lane.  The driver is on a cell phone and trying to drive with their elbow as they use the other hand to fix their hair in the rear-view mirror.  After all of this, you realize the simple, familiar drive you take nearly every day has suddenly become a treacherous minefield of tasteless, unthinking, inconsiderate a**holes!  You know that any time from Sunday until Friday night, this drive would have gone smoothly, but from the depths of ignorance these cretins have crawled out of their respective tombs of mediocrity to fill the streets with ugly cars, poor driving, and just all around bad taste.  Now does this scenario ring a bell?  I do believe I have largely described the phenomena of weekend drivers.

What are the odds that the person who drives this isn’t a complete and utter douchebag?

Other objections concerning how people drive:  A brief interlude. 

·         Screw people who don’t use their turn signals.  At worst this is dangerous; at best it slows others down.  If people know where you’re going, they can better plan their driving strategies and how to get around you safely.  I have a pet theory for this.  I think that people who don’t use their turn signals are under the misconception that using them is for their own sake.  I imagine their thought process goes something like this:  “I don’t need no dang-darn turn signal.  I know how to turn!  Stupid egghead marketing is what it is!”

·         The car at the front of a red light has an obligation to every other car that is waiting behind it.  You see, when the light changes to green, until that first car goes, nobody else can go.  When I’m behind other cars at a red light, I’m always watching, and in my head I say “F*** you, I hope you crash” over and over to every car who takes a ridiculous amount of time to finally start moving when the light changes.  Sadly, this happens more than half the time, and I do mean it when I think that curse at them.  If only I could really curse them with some sort of fatal illness.  It would go well with the mental slowness they currently harbor.

·         Screw, SCREW, SCREWWWW rubberneckers.  Need I say more?  I will anyhow. 

Look at this B.S.!!

I have been held up in highway traffic jams for HOURS— I mean so long that I’m thinking clearly immoral thoughts like “This has taken so long there better damn well be someone dead up ahead for this!”  Then, as I finally get to where the bottleneck is I see it:  An accident— but it’s on the OTHER SIDE OF THE BARRIER in one of the lanes GOING THE OTHER WAY!  There was nothing slowing down the side of the highway I was on other than goddamned rubberneckers.  Figgity F*** them.

·         Screw most Semi Truck drivers in general.  Do these companies go out of their way to hire bad drivers?  How many times have you almost been killed by a semi?  How many times have you been behind two of them who are driving next to one another fifteen mph under the speed limit down the highway and not letting anyone pass.  I would pay quite a bit of extra taxes to have a separate highway built just for them.  Let them deal with their bad driving alone as they tear up their own highway.

·         Screw people who won’t ever blow their horn out of misplaced politeness.  I have been in a car more than once with someone who almost let another driver veer into their lane because they wouldn’t blow the horn.  It’s not about politeness or making someone else feel bad, it’s about saving your own life.  I’d blow a horn all day long in someone’s ear if I even had an inkling they were about to lose focus and swerve into my lane.  Screw them, screw their hearing, screw misplaced politeness, and screw overly-wimpy people who don’t get this.

·         On the flip-side:  Screw people who get overly offended when someone honks their horn at them.  I have seen people flip out with road rage over this.  Hell, just go to YouTube and you can see a multitude of videos of people’s fatal accidents that often start out with someone blowing their horn at someone else.  People’s insanely adverse reaction to horn blowing is possibly the greatest external example of fear of being criticized that I can think of.  Get over it; horns serve an important purpose even if they are often misused.

·         Screw most people who ride motorcycles.  I hate to say this because I’ve ridden on one and enjoyed it.  I’ve even considered getting one myself except for one thing:  80%+ of the people riding them that I come into contact with on the road make me want to ram into them. 

This is my “up ahead” fantasy after a biker dangerously speeds past me.

They weave through traffic, accelerate in great bursts at dangerous times, and put themselves at risk which puts everyone else on edge since it’s common knowledge that if anyone hits them it will likely be a fatality.  Many a time I see a motorcyclist fly by me and I think to myself “I sure hope in a few minutes I come upon some smoldering wreckage by the side of the road.  That would give me a good chuckle.”  Then there’s all these cars with bumper stickers about the number of motorcycle fatalities per year and telling me to watch out for them.  After seeing the overwhelming amount of motorcyclists that drive like ***holes it makes me wonder what percentage of those fatalities were done on purpose by rightly pissed off drivers.

·         Screw people who go soooo slooooow over speed bumps.  Really, do you need to go under 5 mph to protect your precious car?  Do you have delusions of driving the same vehicle when you’re ninety and senile, the only thought left in your head “I sure am glad I wasted a few years of my life driving slowly over speed bumps!  Now I still have the same car in my twilight years.  Drat, I just pooped myself again!  Guess I’ll have to put down some plastic over the seats.”

·         Screw speed bumps in general.  I know this has nothing to do with how people drive, but screw them anyhow. 

This looks like a great neighborhood… to burn to the ground!

I want to invent a model of car designed at the front to be extra low that would slowly file down all speed bumps.  In this excellent fantasy, enough people would buy this car that eventually all speed bumps would be ground down to nothing and no one person would be culpable.  I think I missed my calling as a mad scientist. 

·         Screw overly slow drivers in general.  They are often more dangerous than fast drivers because they get in everyone’s way and frustrate more people  for longer periods of time.  At least with someone driving too fast they’re gone in a few moments.  Overly slow drivers just linger on and on, daring you to try to pass at possibly dangerous moments.  Now, I’m forgiving of really old people or the mentally disabled, but if you’re not one of those at least go the speed limit.  If you can’t, go back to driving school and get the f*** out of everyone’s way.

Thus concludes my other objections to how people drive.  We now return to my rant against weekend drivers.

               Another sign of a weekend driver that I briefly mentioned before is the vanity license plate.  These are both a tacky status symbol and a look into the feeble mind of the driver. 

Ok, this one is kind of funny…

Every time I see one on the road, to my disgust, I can’t help but try to decipher whatever garbled message it may read.  Whether it’s BEBFVR (translated:  Baby Forever) or F4ST3ST (translated:  Fastest), no one cares and we all, collectively and individually, think you’re lame.  If you want to do a test to see how many weekend drivers are in your area, count the number of vanity plates on a weekday and then compare it to how many are out on the weekend.  The difference is a figure you can use to roughly find out the percentage of weekend drivers that you can expect to appear every Friday and Saturday night in your area. 

Now, time for my ongoing theory on….

Why Weekend Drivers Drive Like Complete ***holes!

1.       The date rape drugs they’re carrying have extremely short shelf lives. 

2.       They’re secretly hoping to crash and die or for someone to kill them out of rage to release them from their Monday to Friday 9-5 torturous hell. 

3.       This is the only time of the week they have to masturbate, so they do it chronically when alone.  Even while driving their cars. 

4.       There is a merciful God and for the rest of the world’s sake he wants these f***ers dead.  So, he makes them drive big, annoying, gaudy targets that dare others to do what is right and holy and take them out. 

5.       It is just one of many of their shallow attempts to show off that stems from a variety of personal issues including feeling physically or mentally inadequate, sexual dysfunction, self-hatred, or any other number of dark, psychological problems.

Self-hatred? Buy this instead of a tacky weekend-mobile.

               Another thing I don’t understand is with so many people a year going on homicidal rampages, why are none of them taking the show on the road?  In other words, how come no one has taken their car out with some guns, waited for weekend drivers to inevitably piss them off, and then began some violent retribution?  I’m marking that down on my if-“I-ever-go-on-a-homicidal-rampage” bucket list. 

A beautiful way to spend your final days.

Really, a lot of the poor driving behavior I’ve described above shows that people have forgotten that driving is a great, near miraculous, yet highly dangerous activity.  Our endoskeletal bodies are not made to exceed speeds of even 25 mph, much less how fast we’re going down the highway.  I think if people wouldn’t allow themselves to forget the first few times they drove a car; the anxiety, the natural, rational fear of crashing at such high speeds, that they wouldn’t drive like the brazen idiots they probably are.  In fact, just the other weekend (yes, it was a Friday night) someone hit my car while it was parked.  I wasn’t there, but I can pretty much picture the situation.  My car was parallel parked down a residential street and someone doing something stupid (like trying to light a cigarette while intoxicated) lost control of their vehicle and swerved into the back corner of mine.  Of course, they didn’t leave a note or anything; just my busted passenger taillight and the front portion of their headlight.  Those events are not what caused me to write this article, I coincidentally already had this topic planned, but when I saw it I knew what general type of vehicle and what kind of driver had hit my car: a f***ing, goddamned weekend driver.  I hope they at least got whiplash or broke their nose on the windshield.  

Whiplash justice!

Anyhow, now that I have thoroughly dissected weekend drivers, consider this:  If you see them on the road, don’t do anything to get back at them no matter how much they may deserve it.  Instead, remind yourself that you are not alone in your hatred of them and say a silent prayer that will add to mine that someday someone will go on a road trip full of righteous homicidal rampaging which will take many of them out.  On that day, we will together have a good chuckle indeed.

This is me and my friends on that fateful day.

 

END 

And here’s one of the tackiest cars I have ever seen.

18. Fear of Being Wrong

.              I am wrong a lot.  Countless times every day, I am wrong about things ranging from small importance (how I think a word is spelled— and screw whoever came up with the spelling/pronunciation of the word “lieutenant”), to medium importance (misjudging where the last step is when going down stairs in the dark), to grave importance (telling a dear friend they’re a “f***ing shallow ass-gobbler who’s just waiting to be justifiably murdered” over a slight miscommunication).  Point being:  At times I am full of B.S., spout out ill-conceived ideas that I’ve wrongly accepted, and even display hypocritical tendencies.  How do I live with myself?  Easy— because we’re all that way.  Every last person who’s lived long enough to speak has been (at various points) full of shite.  There is nothing at all unique about being wrong, yet it’s rather uncommon to find individuals who’ve accepted this and truly come to terms with it. 

Here is the only creature that has never been wrong.

As for me, all I have to do is think back through life and remember example after example of my hard-held opinions being proven incorrect and changing.  For instance:  I used to accept a particular religion that I now find laughable, there are friends I believed I would know forever whom I can no longer stand, my trust in others is a far cry from what it used to be, and I can even recall when I thought most people in positions of respect probably worked for and deserved said respect.  I chose examples from my distant past because recent instances are still too fresh and personal.  Also, I could go over the unending times where I’ve been wrong concerning matters of fact, but I think discussing beliefs is far more important and revealing.  For the record, I would like to state that at times I fail myself, am in denial, am weak, and misuse my intellect and arguing skills.  I am an imperfect individual like everyone else and though I can perhaps work to reduce my suckiness, I will always suck to some degree.  Long ago, I gave up thinking things such as “Wow, that was so dumb there’s no way I’ll ever believe something that stupid again.”  Now, I focus on keeping an open mind, catching my mistakes quickly, apologizing, and attempting conscious change. 

Has there ever been a clearer depiction of right and wrong?

As far as being wrong is concerned, I expect it, do what I can to combat it, but most importantly I avoid giving in and accepting it altogether.  For instance, I don’t just write this blog because I’m certain about these issues or to school the masses, but also to clarify my thoughts, maintain consistency, get ideas out into the world, and (most of all) to connect with others.  In this connecting, I’m equally interested to hear from people who don’t agree or have new information for me to consider (as long as it’s well-constructed and not just obvious garbage).  The humor element of this site also bleeds into how I write about these issues and respond to readers, so that often influences my tone (thus explaining why I sometimes suffer from a mild case of assholism). 

                Language was created to convey ideas from person to person with accuracy of communication as a central goal.  In my opinion, Homo sapiens’ advanced ability to speak to one another is by far the primary feature that sets us apart from other animals.  

Aww, they’re communicating like rednecks!

So why is it that when two people with differing beliefs begin to communicate they typically go into it with the notion of “winning” the conversation in mind?  Shouldn’t the goal be to give and receive ideas to further understand each other and better ourselves?  Instead, people would rather be “right” or dominant than incorrect or in the process of learning something new.  What exactly is so pleasurable about being right all the time?  I would liken it to a snotty kid who always has to win every game.  As with snotty kids, some of us also never get tired of winning— no matter how many times the game is played.  Wanting to be right all the time is tied to the base parts of our brain that include fear, ego, and anxiety.  People don’t like being wrong because that requires change (which is typically perceived as scary) and facing up to the fact that they could be wrong about other things— possibly MANY other things.  In my opinion, most people are wrong about pretty much everything that is truly important in life, so I guess I can understand their fear (though it is still incorrect).  I expect that many who read this have met individuals incapable of admitting when they are wrong.  Despite this gross display of insanity, these people still get along pretty well in our society.  Many of them even end up in positions of power (jailers, law-makers, parents) where they rain down their madness upon countless others. 

Power is such a good rush!

So for any who find my selection of “Fear of Being Wrong” as somehow odd for a thing that shouldn’t still exist, bear in mind that it runs rampant and needs to be contested.  Although some individuals for various reasons can’t take being wrong, many others have a similar and nearly as annoying problem:  seeing everything in black and white.  Often, when people have differing opinions, each individual thinks their own personal beliefs are right; and thus, by default all others must be wrong.  In contrast, correct reasoning would allow for the rest of the infinite scope of possibilities where there isn’t necessarily just one right to every issue.  Couldn’t there be more than one answer to a problem, more than one way to think of an issue, more than one way to live and seek out contentment?  I think people too often polarize issues into an “us” versus “them” mentality instead of trying to understand that the other perspective may be just as good or even better.  Many issues boil down to two groups with equal, though different, perspectives being the equivalent of whiney, crying, poo-stained, egotistical babies towards one another.  Making the issue even worse is how like-minded people have the need to exclusively group up. 

Someone who can never be wrong.

Now, they become a collection of individuals looking around at each other (who all think similarly) and circle-jerking one another, as it is easier than ever to dismiss alternative perspectives.  I find this happens just as much with large groups as it does with small groups (such as friends or family).  Just because people who are close to you all happen to agree on something, it doesn’t make you right.  There are those who need to tattoo that to their foreheads (or I often find that genital mutilation can be a good pneumonic device).  I may be a bit sensitive to this particular subject because over the years I’ve had so many otherwise intelligent friends get angry with me over issues of perspective.  I’m fine with what they’re doing and their reasoning behind it, yet they’ll hold me as some lost, irrational person just for living differently.  That brings me to my next point— some people have trouble believing that anyone else could ever really think about an issue better and more clearly or be living in a manner that is any way superior to how they live.  Once again, this is often found in intelligent people who are used to comparing themselves with the blind masses and no longer believe in anyone exceptional other than their own self.  You can present an idea to people of this mindset, but if they can’t wrap their head around it or see themself strong enough to do it, they don’t believe you can either.  This is a lack of perspective/ego issue that is nearly impossible to relate to them.  The problem is, if you tell them they have this flaw they just think you’re full of crap because that would mean you have one over on them.  Bizarre, annoying, and yet I’ve seen it.  Then, there are the people who revel in knowing things before everyone else.  One example I’ve seen this in are those who grew up atheist as they laugh at the notion that it took others to a certain age to finally turn from religion (which they could never see themselves as ever believing in no matter what). 

Oh great… another discussion about religion…

That mentality makes me want to punt them in their crotches because they’re mocking someone’s difficult change in comparison to what fortune handed them and their own complacency.  Who cares at what time or age a person realizes something they believed in was wrong?  Shouldn’t what matter be that they maintained an open mind along the way, listened to and considered others’ ideas, and allowed for different perspectives?  I think it is nothing more than impressive and powerful when I hear someone has changed a hard-held belief (especially one they’ve had since childhood) after receiving new information. 

On arguing and apologizing: 

               Being a good arguer, while useful when trying to get a point across in an effective and timely manner, can be a bad thing.  I have had disagreements where I was one hundred percent certain the other party was mistaken, discussed it at length with them, got them to agree with me, but later realized I was wrong.  That’s right— I have won arguments and changed peoples’ minds when I have been wrong from the start.  These days, I am careful not to steamroll people with my speaking skills when we discuss an issue or argue, but it is still difficult. 

Actual pic after I argued over what’s the best ice cream flavor with some poor schmuck.

My main strategy is to remain calm, remind myself that I have been wrong many times over (even when I’ve felt certain), and to later rethink the issue entirely to make sure I wasn’t just being thick-headed and trying to “win” the discussion.  Another negative aspect of being good at arguing is how people often use these same talents upon their own self.  That’s why intelligent people are frequently the most self-deluded of all.  I have found one effective way to combat this:  by surrounding yourself with others who are just as smart as you and willing to call you out on your bullshite.  Sadly, most times even our closest friends won’t tell us what we need to hear.  There’s little wonder as to why— people can’t stand being wrong, so they tend to shoot the messenger.  It’s safer (and far more lame) to just remain quiet.  Also, most people’s relationships really aren’t as close as they think, so personal comfort trumps the risk of angering a “friend.”  Unfortunately, this explains why the majority of criticism within groups is usually just self-serving, to tear another down, and not actually meant to help.  I do however believe that some people are beyond the reach of rational criticism, so I don’t always blame “friends” who keep their mouths shut, but usually it’s just them being scared and non-confrontational for shallow reasons.  In my opinion, one of the best ways to see that someone really cares about you is to experience them telling you a hard truth that may cause you to lash out at them, but they do it anyway out of genuine concern.  Even when this does happen, too often it goes poorly and the offended party just runs to some spineless sycophant who would never risk criticizing them (and the kingdom of denial goes back to business as usual).  Many times, I have seen people walk away from those who really care about them to others who don’t just to have their ego stroked and to remain unquestioned. 

               As far as problems apologizing go, there are two varieties that piss me off:  people who won’t apologize or do it shittily, and people who over-apologize.  As for the latter, if you say “sorry” over every little thing, it begins to make your apologies meaningless.  In addition, apologizing constantly wastes both parties’ time and often smacks of false politeness. 

Classic, snotty nosed over-apologizer.

When it comes to dealing with and getting to know people, I like to cut right to the meat of our relations and treat them little different than someone I’ve already known for a bit.  I’m not saying people shouldn’t be slightly cautious at first to help put others at ease, but the over-apologizing I’ve witnessed is typically far too much and dilutes the real thing when it is actually called for.  Seeing people over-apologize is also just kind of lame and funny to witness.  As far as people who won’t apologize go, everyone pretty much knows they really suck (I think deep down even they know that).  However, those who apologize poorly raise my ire nearly as much.  The following is my version of what a proper apology over an important issue should contain:

“I’m sorry for (fill in with what you did).  The reason I did it was (fill in your actual reasons and don’t just excuse it away to the point where you’re not really to blame).  I now see that was wrong because of (fill in what you have learned).  I will do (fill in your strategy to avoid the same mistake in the future) to fix it and ensure that I don’t do it again.”

That is a proper, full apology.  Instead, all these f*** faces just want to scream meaningless “I’M SORRY’S!” at you or languish over why they did it (and of course the reason fully justifies and excuses them).  Also, people rush through apologies like it is the hardest, most terrible thing in the world. 

Yeah, thanks a lot for the apology, dickhead.

Here’s my question:  Haven’t all of us at some point received shitty apologies that have more angered us than rectified the situation?  We all know what it’s like to receive crappy apologies, so why do people give them out anyhow?  Honestly, when I screw up and it’s time to apologize, I take it as an opportunity to be the rare shining example of someone who can actually do it well.  I recall all the poor, half-assed, forced apologies I’ve been given over the ages and it makes me feel great to perform one appropriately.   Besides that, it’s just obviously, intuitively the right thing to do!  When you have wronged someone, it is no longer about you, it’s about them and fixing what you did to them.  Damn, I hate all these selfish dicks who can’t apologize!

                In rounding out this little tirade, I have a few other points to make.  First, I’ve read interviews with many neurologists which stated that as we grow older, the mind tends to physically change to where it becomes harder and harder to form new opinions.  Allow that fact to properly frighten you.  That’s right, as you age it will be increasingly difficult to not get stuck in unchanging patterns of thought.  The exact reasons for this are currently unknown, but it is generally agreed upon that it can be combatted by keeping one’s thoughts dynamic and well exercised, inviting change from time to time, and consciously compensating against close-mindedness. 

CAT Scan of a 60 year old’s brain.

Second, it is my opinion that at the moment an argument is about to begin, if people reminded themselves of the simple, factual thought “I could be wrong,” there would be a 30% drop in asshats worldwide.  Third, more than just being able to apologize well, many people also need to be proactive about it.  In too many instances, issues are left to simmer down over time or be forgotten instead of being properly discussed.  Those who prefer waiting it out just to avoid a bit of discomfort are nothing more than selfish cowards— not the peace keepers they pretend to be.  Fourth, people should avoid getting jaded to the point that they will no longer listen to different perspectives or ideas, including ones they’ve heard before.  Even if you think you already know the issue, give it a fresh chance here and there; maybe those you spoke with didn’t convey the message well (or perhaps you weren’t really listening or have changed over time).  Fifth, when people do mess up and apologize, don’t damn them for that one instance.  Weigh it against how they have been in previous circumstances and view them rationally rather than emotionally or by just hanging on that one situation.  Sixth, even if someone apologizes properly, they have to make some kind of change.  There are those who get away with constantly apologizing and making it sound sincere, but they never change and don’t really mean it. 

               My last thought goes out to all the people who chronically either can’t admit when they are wrong or refuse to clearly apologize (fortunately these days I have written all of them out of my life and so far have avoided new offenders).  Basically, to me you’re all selfish, egotistical anuses, and despite the potential of other good qualities, I’d honestly rather not know you.  I’ve had my fill of people of this sort, and being unable to apologize is usually only the tip of the shitberg when it comes to them.  It makes me want to write “Titanic” on a baseball bat and collide it into their shitberg can’t-ever-be-wrong faces.  Now that’s what I call comedy!

END

Right in yo’ face bone!