30. Cultural Pride

                Back in ye olde college days, to fulfill one of my generals, I was required to take a class in cultural anthropology. Now, I have never particularly cared about my own cultural heritage, realizing early on that it was purely chance (much like one’s sex, gender, nationality, etc), so I buckled in for what I thought would be a tall, frothy glass of suck. The first day of class, our teacher showed videos of different cultures from around the world. Purposely, she displayed the ones most dissimilar to what we were used to (wild African tribes from the 50’s and 60’s), and as we watched their “oh-so-strange” ways, many people laughed, a few snorting milk from their dorky, overly-judgmental noses.

Whose strange and primitive now?

Whose strange and primitive now?

After quietly allowing all the snickering and comments, she put on the final video:  a snake handling church situated less than thirty minutes from where we sat. The absolutely mad things they said and did in that video were so utterly bizarre, it took the wind out of every ethnocentric pinhead in the room. Here, within our own county no less, we had people who looked just like us yet were legitimately more batshite insane than anything previously scoffed at. I thought it was a brilliant move on her part, and thoroughly enjoyed the class for the remainder of the semester as well. What I had initially failed to realize about studying culture is that it displays just how different people can be, and how we shouldn’t take for granted that there’s only one way to live (i.e. by our local customs). With that aside, I still must go on to say and to prove that people’s obsessions with culture are often a very insidious and negative thing.

                As stated, I enjoy learning about different cultures, both modern and ancient. Through this, we can gain insights showing that we don’t need to conform or follow the traditions we’re born into. Sadly, too many never derive these particular conclusions from examining culture. Instead, people often poorly (and lazily) construct a majority of their personalities from their birth culture, all the while judging those who are different through hard-held stereotypes. To clarify, I am not against cultural interest, that’s why I used the word “obsession” in the title. However, I am repulsed when someone says their actions or beliefs exist merely because they’re part of a group.

Only cute when it's an animal doing the mimicry.

Only cute when it’s an animal doing the mimicry.

That’s called monkey see monkey do (and it makes me want to throw some monkey pee and monkey poo into the person’s ape-like face). So why do many abuse the otherwise useful learning tool that is culture? Sadly, it’s because our lizard-brained nature beckons us to subdivide everything that is the least bit different or strange. Countries, north vs. south, state vs. state, counties, cities, towns, income brackets, skin color, race, gender, looks, and every damned thing in between. Culture, more often than not, is just another divider that keeps people fighting, miscommunicating, and apart. Funny enough, when considering the larger picture, most of the “cultures” people discuss today (i.e. “kiss me, I’m Irish”) would more accurately be labelled as “recent cultures.” Historically speaking, our ancestors slowly spread across the world, likely originating from the same spot.

Funny how the people most proud of their heritage are often the worst representations of humans in general.

Funny how the people most proud of their heritage are often the worst representations of humans in general.

A person’s ancestry might recently be “Irish,” but those people came from another place, and the people before them came from somewhere else, and if you go back far enough, we all come from the same heritage to begin with! In the grand scheme of time, a thousand years or so is like a blip considering how long humanity has been around. This is one of the few instances where even scientists and religious scholars agree, but for some reason most folks only count the last few centuries (or a millennia or two) as far as where their “people” are from. All of this begs at least one big question:  If I don’t think people should derive who they are, what they think, how they act, or what ethical guidelines they should follow from their cultural heritage, where else should they get these from? I have a response, but would first like to shed more light on the negative aspects of cultural identity.

                Although my high school was predominately white (Go Crazy Crackas! – that’s how I remember our mascot’s cheer), one of my best friends was black. His immediate family was affluent, so they sent him to what they thought was a better school than where his cousins and other relatives attended.

Accurate depiction of Crazy Crackas High.

Accurate depiction of Crazy Crackas High.

For years, he and our high school group would hang out at each other’s houses, but you could tell that his family disapproved of him associating with whiteys. Toward the latter years of school, my friend openly spoke to me about the pressure his family was putting on him for hanging out with those outside “his own kind.” It was sad, but what I didn’t see coming next was when he started to change. It began slowly, but then all too quickly, he stopped hanging around us as much, he kept us away from his house, and worst of all, his personality shifted. No longer was he the jokey guy who didn’t give a f*&^ what anyone thought of him, but he began trying to act as though race was the focal point of his identity. In class, he would take up arms against anything he saw as even unintentionally racist. He even started paying more attention to black girls than those of other races.

What my friend's parents and relatives tried to instill in him through cultural pressure.

What my friend’s parents and relatives tried to instill in him through cultural pressure.

The whole ordeal made me sick, and when I tried to talk to him about it he’d just get angry and say I didn’t understand. That was basically the end of our friendship, all because of cultural pressure that he, being merely a teenager, was unable to stand up against. His family ground him down with guilt that was more than supported by society’s mindless heralding of culture. I realize this is only one example, but through it I make a point:  society’s obsession with culture serves to further subdivide and dilute our individuality. Hell, even presenting this argument at all is difficult for several reasons, the first of which is that it’s widely unpopular because it fights a buzzword (culture) that has been awarded near-limitless positive connotation. Second, people dislike thinking about issues that aren’t simple black vs. white dichotomies. I am not saying for an instant that knowing about one’s own culture has no uses. It certainly does have benefits, such as the fact that, like it or not, your culture matters in a realistic way because others will judge you by it, and being equipped with that knowledge will potentially help you sidestep biases. However, just because an issue has good sides, doesn’t mean it has no bad sides worth considering. Is it good to know about your culture (at least to understand how others may, often wrongly, think of you and others)? Yes. However, the more pertinent question is “but should it be that way?” As to that, I answer with a resounding no.

Should we really have pride in our ancestors?

Should we really have pride in our ancestors?

Enforcing that culture is vital because others judge by it just creates a self-perpetuating system of unfairness. Yes, the world sucks and people are small-minded, but they’re never going to change if we keep teaching that knowing about their culture is super important and that you should have some sort of mindless pride in it. I’m saying that culture overall does more harm than good, not to mention that it’s arbitrary to begin with. Who cares where your ancestors came from and what exactly they did? You are living your life today; this didn’t happen to you. I think someone can both know enough about various cultures (including their own) to understand the way the world will treat them, but also realize that much of it is a bunch of crap and probably needs to go away. Seriously, would an orphan really be that worse off to never know about their cultural heritage? Even if that were somehow true, I’d say it’s so unfair we should fight against it tooth and nail.

                Now, time for a brief aside where I talk about a smaller, sub-issue: the cultural nerd. I have coined this expression to describe anyone who is obsessed with a culture, be that their own or another.

The original version of identity theft.

The original version of identity theft.

So whether you’re a rebellious wigger trying to look tough and get back at your country-club attending, honky parents, or you’re the kid who is obsessed with another culture because you feel so distant or rejected by your own (I’m looking at all you Japanophile Otakus), I see it as a bad thing. I suppose maybe it’s a sliver better than being obsessed with your own culture (which I also technically categorize as being cultural nerdy—i.e. caring about your “family crest” or other such nonsense), but both mindsets are biasing people from developing their own identities, taken from any number of sources rather than just one. So to all you cultural nerds I say “No, I don’t want to hear more about the culture you’re obsessed with.

A jackoff from a seemingly endless line of jackoffs.

A jackoff from a seemingly endless line of jackoffs.

I don’t want to have my ear chewed off as you tell me about how much better their food, and language, and *vomit rising in the throat* movies/shows/video games is than what we have locally. As someone with a general interest in all things, you ruin this for me with your transparent lack of character and dogmatically biased, fanboy “opinions.” Quit pretending your personality happens to perfectly fit some particular culture, and go figure your damned self out.” And for everyone who knows people such as this, now you have a term by which to call them. Perhaps with enough effort, we can teach these people (through derision) to think for their own selves. It’s seriously up there as the lamest form of rebellion. End rant on cultural nerds.

                Getting back to the larger issue at hand, so what then do I suggest should take the place of cultural identity? Simple:  well-considered individuality. That means people should use critical thinking to decide who they are, how they want to act, and how they should live.

If only this were just a joke.

If only this were just a joke.

We get these cues from all over: our family, friends, teachers, peers, and even through works of fiction. All of these serve as small examples of how we could live if we chose as such. I believe that people should bit by bit figure out who they want to be rather than have it shoveled into them through cultural pressures. Of course, the reason this argument is seldom displayed is that many act like tearing down culture is the equivalent of disliking diversity. In my opinion, there will be near-infinitely more diversity when people are treated as individuals. The world we should be working towards would be made up of those who think for themselves and decide, individually, who they want to be.

True diversity means having at least two different crippled friends-- bare minimum!

True diversity means having at least two different crippled friends– bare minimum!

Culture, no matter how colorful, fun, and enjoyable, is in the end more often utilized to drive people apart. In a perfect world, we would each, individually, have (in essence) our own personal cultures. I think it’s funny that we’re trying for equality in so many ways (gender, sex, etc.), but when it comes to “culture,” people get it twisted. Society at large tries to overly-protect anything related to culture or heritage from those who are closed-minded, culturally stunted, or biased. That’s admirable, but the end goal should still be ridding the things that block people thinking for themselves. Getting bigots to drop their fear and appreciate other cultures isn’t the end game; it’s the first step towards the larger, more important goal of accepting people individually. Sadly, this “first step” has become a misguided stumbling block; a short-term answer to a much greater problem that isn’t even on the radar. Thus, my decision to pen this article (even if I am just shouting into a hurricane of misconceptions).

                The good news is this:  Like it or not, culture is receding. It’s called social advancement with a side order of globalization. It’s the inevitable future unless we bomb ourselves back in to the Stone Age or start embracing wide-spread racism again.

If this reads a bit racist to you, apply the same thought to other groups with cultural pride. Of course, this is even worse since “white” isn’t even a race to begin with.

The hour is nigh that we get over the fuzzy-nice feelings associated with words like “culture” and “diversity,” and see what these terms are mistakenly perpetuating. I know it’s not P.C. to say this stuff, but P.C. often just puts a bright smile on top of steamy dog droppings. If one can’t get past the loaded terminology, then it’s unlikely the rest of my points will be weighed fairly as well. It is far time we discuss things as they truly are, and start working towards overall individuality. Screw all the arbitrary subdividing that keeps people from consciously deciding who they want to be and thinking for themselves. All of this is just one more reason it is difficult for me, and many others, to truly get close to our fellow humans.

 

End

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29. People who tell Jokes

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“No one with a response that’s ever worth hearing.”

                Both humor and laughter are legitimate, real life mysteries.  They are universal, spanning every known culture.  Babies smile and laugh at whatever amuses them far before they learn language or even develop rudimentary knowledge.  Although there have been many studies on the universal appeal of comedy, no one knows exactly why humans have this inborn ability.

Joshin' around about "e-volution."

Joshin’ around about “e-volution.”

  Although a few animals possess something akin to laughter (dogs, rats, and chimps), it has yet to be proven that any species on the planet besides humans have an actual sense of humor.  Whatever its original purpose, I think of humor as the ultimate coping mechanism in an imperfect, often disappointing world where, despite being filled with people, it is difficult to connect with others.  Whether my theory is correct or not, I fully believe that a good sense of humor is quite important.  Thus, I often ask myself why so many people tell and (at least pretend to) enjoy such terrible, moronic, mind-numbingly simplistic “jokes”— you know, the kind with a setup, then a punch line, then you want to punch the purveyor of said punch line somewhere fatal?  To me, people who tell jokes of this old-timey, vaudevillian style, or even the modern sexually themed variations, have the inverse of a healthy sense of humor.  Rather, they have a sense of promoting horror in the minds of those with any semblance of taste.

                Most people have probably never considered how significant humor and laughter really is.  Even so, its importance can be seen as it has developed into a major genre and is the core of multi-billion dollar industries (i.e. comedy movies, TV shows, books, comedy clubs etc.). 

Now THIS looks like a real hoot!

Now THIS looks like a real hoot!

With this in mind, it would seem that humor is rather noteworthy, so shouldn’t we try to be a bit discerning about what we consider funny or (even more importantly) subject others to in the name of mirth?  I recall thumbing through a “joke” book as a kid, and it made me want to kick the author in the stomach until they bled internally (now that would have been comedy).  Speaking of childhood, I don’t fully blame kids, too young to know any better, when they tell or laugh at lame jokes.  In days of youth, children are happy being silly and giggling at anything even lightly construed as humor, but eventually, as they grow up, “jokes” become too simplistic, and they move on to more stimulating wittiness.   Adults who think telling punchline-styled jokes is the way to be funny are more like stupid pets waiting for a pat on the head and a treat.  To them, the joke is more about the reward they get, and the attention, than truly trying to amuse or connect with others. 

               Speaking of the silliness of childhood versus more adult-themed comedy, here is my opinion on the natural progression of most peoples’ sense of humor:  First, as children, people start out laughing at inane nonsense because they don’t know anything better.  I like this stage because at least the laughter is purely our own and untouched by societal pressures or other outside forces. 

Precisely how I feel after hearing most "jokes."

Precisely how I feel after hearing most “jokes.”

Second, people grow up a bit and get into puns and plays on words.  This is when those who will later be into “jokes” first start reading damnable “joke” books.  These “special” children enjoy the lame attempts of failed comedians-turned-authors while the other kids get sick of them (meaning both the books and those who tell the jokes) pretty much instantaneously.  Third is middle school time, and sexual innuendo and erotic jibes become the most hilarious of things.  This stage lasts for a long while— far too long for many.  Fourth is high school/college, and the topical humor that adults have been using suddenly becomes a new well to draw comedy from.  This is as far as most people’s senses of humor seem to go.  Somewhere within and beyond what I’ve mentioned are the rare components of a more discriminating taste in comedy including things like satire, irony, mockery, sadistic humor, and (my favorite) layered humor.  These latter facets are developed by a small minority who are forever plagued by others lack of imagination in terms of wittiness.

               Going off my theory on the progression of humor, jokes are pretty much for simps who haven’t made it very far past the second punny, play-on-words stage.  Somehow, their minds become entrapped in how insanely clever it is when one word that happens to sound like another is put in the former’s place.  That’s why there are hundreds of infuriatingly unfunny internet sites with titles such as “Pun of the Day” that have “jokes” like:  “The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.” 

Send me light-hearted humor, and I send this back.

Send me light-hearted humor, and I send this back.

By itself, that “joke” makes me want to windmill punch a roomful of the author’s youngest children.  The only way something like that is funny is if it’s told purely to be hurtful to someone else who also hates really bad humor, but that, of course, would make it a layered joke with an undercurrent of sadism (and thus acceptable).  Really, the only jokes I even come close to liking are the ones that are dark or sick enough to offend most people who typically like jokes.  Even then, I almost never enjoy the joke, but at least it comes close to amusing me as I think about how much it would offend other “jokesters.” 

               In the greasy spoon days of my youth, we used to have untold amounts of regulars who loved to non-ironically tell bad jokes.  I sat in witness as these same cretins would come in day after day, ordering the same meal, telling the same jokes— I kid you not, the EXACT SAME JOKES.

Where humor goes to die.

Where humor goes to die.

  Hilarious plays on words such as “Are you workin’ hard or hardly workin’?” or super clever rhymes like “You got time to lean, you got time to clean.”  Lame, unforgiveable shite like that every single day!  That’s when I began to realize that these people had deeply rooted neurological problems.  Now, I’m not saying that everyone who likes to tell jokes has a brain disorder, but I will go so far as to say that it should be added to the questionnaire used for determining if somebody is likely to have dementia.  Really, as much as I hated the jokes, I felt bad for these people.  I could see that their lives had grown so mundane and repetitious that all they had left was waiting for the pat on the head that the jokes brought them.  I even think that many of them secretly knew their quips were pathetic, but that’s what they felt they needed to resort to when it came to connecting with others.  Sad, but on the other hand I wanted to poison their food just enough to bring them near the brink of death before saying “I’m DYING to hear some more of your jokes!”  I even hate that joke, but I would say it if only to speak a language that would better torment one of these sad, yet annoying simpletons.

               Even professional comedians know that it’s a cardinal rule to never tell “joke” jokes.  Audiences don’t like it because it reminds them of one of their annoying uncles or grandparents, and they (rightly) boo the offender off the stage and terrorize them until they leave town weeping and soiled all up in their pants. 

Tell a "joke" on stage, and this is what you get.

Tell a “joke” on stage, and this is what you get.

Besides comedians, naturally funny individuals just unwittingly know that joke telling is for those with poor and undeveloped senses of humor.  I have personally been writing and creating comedy for half of my life.  I don’t get paid for doing such, as there are no jobs for it where I live, but still I do it for the love of it.  I love humor, and there are few things better than a good laugh at something layered, clever, unexpected, and that I never would have thought of in a hundred years.  These jokes where the punch line shoots into my head before the delivery is ever spoken, to me, spits in the face of god.  Humor gives us a way to vent, connect with one another, and deal with harsh truths without losing our minds.  Seeing it misused to exclusively make puns and cheap sexual references makes my blood seethe and boil. 

This guy also loves topical humor.

This guy also loves topical humor.

Personally, I think it should be legal to punch someone hard in the bladder if they tell a joke you don’t like.  Perhaps that would make people think twice before trying to be an amateur, unwanted comedian, and hopefully their sense of humor might finally evolve to that of an average sixteen-year-old.  Lastly, and as a brief aside:  For the most part, SCREW topical humor.  That dated rubbish is the last bastion of those who have lost their funny bone due to growing up and taking themselves too seriously while trying to pretend they still have a little life left in them.  “Oh my, it’s soooo hilarious that someone is making fun of what a current celebrity or politician said/did lately that no one will remember in a year!”  Bwahahahahahaha-ahhh-ahhh-ahhh-ehhhh-ehhh-ewwww-ewwwww!  In general, topical humor should be steered away from and left to the rare professionals who can do something truly clever with it. Also, I would go into the sad state of modern “comedy” movies, but that is for another rage-inducing, twenty page article.  Until then, take my advice and respond to the next person who tells you a “joke” by merely saying “You’re pathetic, and people only pretend to like you.”  Let them choke on that.  

End

The true face of the devil.

The true face of the devil.

 

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28. Wearing too Much Perfume or Cologne

                In fiction, superheroes abound– each one with a unique power.  Some are strong, others are fast, and many have a heightened sense or two.  However, there is one ability that is rarely intensified in these fantasies: the sense of smell.  In many ways, superheroes have talents that people commonly wish they had, yet it would be strange or even comical to catch one’s self daydreaming about having super smelling abilities.  The reason for this is simple:  For every instance our nose detects a particularly good aroma, there are a dozen where it merely discovers something we’d rather not know about. 

Only in N.J. would there be a superhero like this.

Only in N.J. would there be a superhero like this.

The Taco Bell odor wafting from a public toilet, the rotting carcass of whatever the cat left under the porch, the freshly-licked ass smell on a dog’s breath, each of these are constant reminders of why no one should want to have a super-amplified sense of smell.  Even our own bodies betray us sometimes, stinking of sweat and other bodily odors while we remain oblivious of our stench.  To combat this, humanity has invented ways to mask our scents in a variety of other fragrances.   Though this can often be very good, as with nearly every positive thing under the sun, too much of it can become quite the inverse.  For this reason, I am focusing this article on the people who are either too inconsiderate, unaware, or just flat out stupid when it comes to using perfume or cologne.  These folks are basically the supervillains of the world of smells.  But how can someone who regularly sprays down their entire physique in body spray out-stink, say, a hobo?  Do read on, and I will reveal this and much more.

                How often have you been out in public when someone walked by and nearly bowled you over with the ungodly amount of cologne or perfume they are wearing?  To me, it’s like being punched in the face by a thorny bouquet of ovulating flowers, and sometimes my body even involuntarily flinches. 

This encapsulates coming near someone wearing too much perfume or cologne.

This encapsulates coming near someone wearing too much perfume or cologne.

What’s even worse is when one of these synthetic-skunk-people ends up near you at a movie or concert.  As you’re trying to enjoy yourself, their smell will hit you over and over in waves, causing your brain to swell up in disgust, and making it more than a little difficult to enjoy yourself.  In my opinion, these fake, sugary-sweet fragrances are often even worse than just flat out bad smells.  When I’m at a theater or concert venue, I (unfortunately, but rationally) understand that it might smell like piss or vomit, but what my mind cannot accept is when suddenly it smells like all the pollen in the rain forest just jumped into a vat of rubbing alcohol before spilling everywhere.  Think about it: people have had to deal with typical bad odors since the dawn of time, and it’s relatively recent that we’ve had to endure these imitation floral monstrosities.  Our brains are not yet ready to easily block out annoyances with names like Sunlight Seduction or Wild Spice. 

Why...?  Just why???

Why…? Just why???

It’s for this reason that people with fully functioning noses who choose to put on gobs of perfume/cologne make even less sense to me than those who choose to couple up with a naturally stinky individual (like a hippie, gutter punk, or MMO video gamer).  Because I am curious and adept at getting away with ignoring social conventions, I have asked people if their stinky partner’s odor bothered them, and I swear there are a lot of people out there who actually LIKE the natural stink of a filthy, unwashed, crusty-clothes wearing body.  It’s gross, but still it makes leagues more sense than the people with the artificial cloud of stink surrounding them.

                To me, I don’t think you should be able to get a proper smell of someone until you are within hugging distance of them.  Those whose stench precedes them by five minutes and then lingers long after they’re gone are as inconsiderate as anyone creating a public disturbance.  Another reason this is so annoying is that smell is strongly linked to memory. 

This scientific chart clearly displays the memory beads of the brain.

This scientific chart clearly displays the memory beads of the brain.

It would be hard for me to get mentally close to someone who stank all the time, but ten times more so if it was a choice they were making every morning after they showered by putting on something even more repulsive than what they just washed off.  I do have some good memories of people and particular smells, like the sweet cigars my grandfather used to smoke, but that was unintended and I wouldn’t dote on it fondly if he intentionally blew them in my face to create such a link.  That’s what I say these sensory bandits are doing:  They are force-feeding our minds and memories to compensate for other things they lack (e.g. personality, genuineness, natural charisma). 

                I just want for people to not stink—that’s all.  There’s nothing to it really; you just buy some soap, deodorant, some toothpaste and a toothbrush, some mouthwash, and then follow the directions on the labels every day. Going beyond that into perfume, cologne, and body spray is like doing very, very optional extra credit. 

Hygiene:  It's not just for black silhouettes!

Hygiene: It’s not just for black silhouettes!

Out-and-out replacing normal hygiene habits with these products is basically sacrilege and should be grounds for water-based torture (partly as punishment, partly to clean the offender off).  Looking back, perfumes were originally created back in the days when people didn’t have running water, so baths and showers were uncommon.  Now, even the homeless have access to a shower somewhere, so the original purpose of such products truly has expired.  And while I’m on the topic of hygiene, f*&$ these people who don’t believe in soap or deodorant and want to go “au naturel.”  We’re not wild animals roaming around in our own sh*t and grime.  Have you smelled a wild animal lately?  They undoubtedly stink.  That’s why skunks developed such a powerful odor; anything less wouldn’t be noticed in the face of natural stinkiness. 

I like to think this is what a cologne factory looks like.

I like to think this is what a cologne factory looks like.

Hygiene products are not there so people don’t have to put up with their own stink, they are for the rest of the world that one comes into contact with.  People should go “au naturel” when they’re alone in their house for the day; no one will care or complain so long as they don’t mind smelling like the solid version of their own farts.  However, when these individuals come back to modern society, they should do everyone a simple, considerate favor and take care of the smell of their own filth first.  I take care of myself with that in mind, and that is exactly what gives me the right to hate on everyone who doesn’t.  Screw all you smelly hippies.  Even the ones who are trying to be some other “cool” genre— to me you’re all dirty, worthless hippies.

                Getting back to why people overuse artificial scents, I have found guys to be generally worse about this than girls, which is strange since perfumes have been pushed so much harder towards females. 

Most guy's cologne.

Most guy’s cologne.

My theory is that guys want to magically believe odors can overcome all the other rationale and common sense that women may otherwise have, rendering them helpless against the man’s animalistic charms.  I’ve unfortunately heard enough locker room and bar talk that backs up this theory.  Just watch one Axe Body Spray commercial and you’ll see what I mean.  As for the women who overdose us on perfumes, I like to think that it’s because someone complimented them once when they first began wearing it (and in a far smaller dose).  Many people just don’t get compliments very often, so I can see how this would lead them to put more and more of it on, fishing and wishing (I’ve been waiting to use that rhyme this entire article) for some kind words to come their way.  The usual suspects who make my nose want to shrivel up like a nutsack on a wintery morn are typically overdone in other ways as well. 

He's complimenting his sister's perfume to get in her pants.

He’s complimenting his sister’s perfume to get in her pants.

Too much makeup, too many shades of pastel on their paisley blouse, and a hairdo more fit for a caricature tends to round out their physically distracting repertoire.  I also cringe when I think of all the times that someone around them mentions their perfume in an ill-fated attempt to try to get them to wear less, but without the guile to do anything more than be taken as another admirer.  Sometimes with people you just have to select your words carefully, then affix them to a mallet before hitting them square in the face with it.

                In rounding this out, I have a friend who has had the displeasure (in my opinion) of being a lifelong smoker and it has nearly ruined his sense of smell. 

Immune to evil odors.

Immune to evil odors.

Over the years, there have been many times when I’ve been revolted by a bad odor that he is completely unaware of, and for this reason he has declared his lack of scent to be a super power.  Now, while I’m sure he’s missing out every time he passes by a pie cooling on a windowsill, it is difficult for me to argue his point.  In any case, I’m stuck with my sense of smell, so it’s my duty to try to stop people from stinking, and even worse, causing themselves to reek by overusing a product designed to do just the opposite.  So if you know somebody who uses too much perfume or cologne, send them a link to this article.  Just do it under the guise that it’s amusing, or say it reminds you of someone else that you both know. 

This does NOT replace a shower.

This does NOT replace a shower.

Little by little, we must attempt to change the world and save our senses of smell, decency, and sanity.  Final note to anyone still on the fence about using a lot of body spray or whatever:  We’re no longer beasts who need to smell every butt we come across.  Tone it down, develop a personality, and someday let the person hugging you make a mental connection to your mild scent rather than being further enveloped by your unnatural, stanky aura of smelly evil.

 

End

Perhaps we are just beasts after all...

Perhaps we are just beasts after all…

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